Sunday, January 11, 2009
Lu and Care both mentioned that they will be starting jobs as substitute teachers in the very near future.
Did you know I used to be a substitute teacher? I do believe I've mentioned it numerous times because, let's face it, I am much happier now that I am not a substitute teacher. I will admit to a bit of bitterness. I substitute taught for three and a half years, and I spent a half year on contract as a history teacher after a teacher passed away mid-year. Then they interviewed candidates for the position and I didn't get hired. They hired a coach, instead. So yeah, I have lots of not so pleasant memories when it comes to teaching.
Anyways...not that it's my intention to scare Care and Lu off of their new career path, but really, when the sub is there, the kids all turn into possessed demons. You did too, don't try and deny it. Of course, I'm talking about middle school and high school. The younger kids could be perfect angels for all I know.
So, here are a few substitute teacher stories to shock, appall and amuse you. (Care and Lu, maybe you shouldn't read these after all.) Keep in mind that at the time I was a fairly innocent 23 year old, who looked like one of the high school kids. And I was teaching at the same middle school and high school that I attended...so all of the teachers knew me. On the bright side, I got a lot of work. On the dark side...
1. 8th grade math.
Some highly creative genius twined staples together so that they resembled a piece of barbed wire. Then they left it on the chair for me to sit on. Holy crap did that ever hurt! Not that I let them see my pain.
2. 8th grade math.
Same teacher, different set of juvenile delinquents. One young man didn't like my attempts to control the class and called me a bitch. I'm fairly certain he really thought I was a bitch after he got suspended for that little outburst.
3. 8th grade leadership class.
Yes, leadership. Remember when almost all the boys wore baggy pants belted very low on their non-existent hips? So the class assignment was to finish some sort of artistic project (the details are blurry) and then tack it up on the wall. So there he is, standing on a chair, back to the room (thank gawd), when his friend comes up behind him and pantsed him. Only problem is, he both pantsed and underpantsed the poor kid, who then unintentionally mooned the whole class. Good thing he had quick reflexes.
4. 7th grade science.
Just like it's important not to show pain, it's equally important not to show fear. Remember that. Because science classes come with icky things. Like snakes. I once spent the better part of a morning with a snake wrapped around my arm to prove that I wasn't scared. For once, the kids thought I was cool.
5. High school peer communications.
Peer communicators are very handy with spit wads. They nailed me right in the middle of the forehead. I had to leave the room I was so pissed. It wasn't a good day.
6. 11th grade history.
One boy (who incidentally was the son of a teacher...watch out for those kids!) took the hall pass to go to the restroom. 15 minutes later he returned with sodas for all of his buddies. He tried to convince me that they came from the soda machine in the locker room, however I knew he had left campus and drove to the mini-mart down the street. At the time, they did not sell plastic bottles of soda in the soda machines. Dipshit. And no, I don't mean that in an affectionate way.
7. 11th grade history.
Imagine it...two buddies, bickering before class. They take their seats, which just happen to be at the two farthest points from each other. The one kid is sitting right under my nose, his friend is in the far corner. The bell rings, the class goes silent just as the fed up kid yells to his friend "Lick my balls!" I had never even heard the expression before. Trying not to look a)embarrassed b)appalled c)impressed I calmly asked "was that really necessary," he apologized and we went on with class.
So there you have it. Four years of teaching, and those are my most treasured memories.
What's the worst thing you ever did to a teacher?